Are Men Scum: The godly man guide

Men are Scum: The godly man guide to not being a scum

Last week, I watched Larry Charles' dangerous world of comedy on Netflix and the third episode focused on sexism.  It turns out that Nigeria's comedy industry thrives on sexists jokes that objectify women, normalise rape and encourage the exploitation of women. It was one of the most disgusting things I have ever watched. It's interesting that many think rape is a thing to joke about and the audience laughs at those vile jokes that involve victim blaming. Sexism is broadly seen in our society from the blue collar workers to the board room bosses, from Nollywood movies to product commercials. It is so deeply embedded in our subconscious that we don’t intend to hurt women with our words or actions, it is just a thing of a "normal thing".

The truth is I am not trying to vilify anyone. The average man was dealt sexism as a part of being in this present day society. The good thing is you can unlearn all of these things. The Holy Spirit is your teacher, he can help you remove all these sexist thoughts and opinion towards women and help you see them are real-life full human beings that deserve to thrive in our society.

Sexism is wrong!

I have also realised that unlearning these sexist traits is not easy and many men are clueless as to what is sexist or not. So in the spirit of celebrating the International Women’s Month, here are so sexist things that you can choose to learn and unlearn:

• No means No: If you like a girl and you tell her your intentions and she says no. Take it as it is. Is it hurtful? Yes. Is it embarrassing? Maybe. However, her “no” does not mean “maybe”. No is No! Leave her alone in peace. I know some of us will say some women want to play games because they want to be chased or play hard to get. This is the 21^st century, avoid women that like silly games. If she says she wants some time to think about it, give her some space. But remember that No Means No! Brothers, God is too intentional about you and your future. If she said no it means she is not meant for you. If it is meant to be, things will turn around eventually. If you really want her, pray for God to touch her heart. But leave her alone if she says no.

Romans 12:12 (ESV) Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

• Call your fellow men out: I know men often don’t like confrontations and easily let things go. If your friend or someone in your circle is making jokes about raping a girl or beating a girl or threatening a girl. Stand up and tell him that is not cool. This is not a matter of imagine if she is your sister or your mother because the fact that she is human is enough to be defended. If you don’t call your bad friends out #menaresum hashtags will continually trend. You are not scum, ensure the men around you are not scum too.

Isaiah 1:17a Amplified Bible, Classic Edition (AMPC) Learn to do right! Seek justice, relieve the oppressed, and correct the oppressor.

• Be empathetic to all #menareskum posts: Many times women say #menaresum on social media and men run into the comments to say “not all men are scum”. It pains me because It’s obvious that you don’t get it. Of course, women know not all men are scum but its something said out of frustration and pain to get empathy. Just empathise with whatever situation the person is going through. When you blindly respond with not all men are scum, it shows that you don’t get it at all. You just want to differentiate yourself and signal to be a good guy and you miss the point.

1 Corinthians 12: 26 (TLB) If one part suffers, all parts suffer with it, and if one part is honored, all the parts are glad.

• Stop saying girls don’t like good guys: First of all, that’s a big lie. Many women don’t like pretentious men that pose as “good guys”. You know those men that try to act like they are the best thing after agege bread and they always say “instead of you to date me, you dated a bad guy and he broke your heart”.  Those kind of men are the worst! This is because their goodness is not genuine, it’s just on the surface. A good man does not need to signal to the whole world that he is good. Most good men I know don’t go around calling themselves good. Just be a decent, respectful and kind person. It is not difficult to be good, you have the Holy Spirit. Let your good fruit speak for you.

Mathew 7:20 Yes, just as you can identify a tree by its fruit, so you can identify people by their actions.

• Don’t police women: I think it's disgusting when I see men commenting on the outfit choices, words, opinions, the weight of women etc. Especially women that they don’t know personally. It is wrong and distasteful. It’s not everything you see you must comment on. Sometimes you just look and pass. A woman wore something exposing, keep your condemnation to yourself and keep it moving. If you saw her picture, block it on social media. The most annoying phrase a man can say to a woman is “and you are a woman”. It’s almost as though it is a taboo for women to have certain opinions or choices. If a woman says she does not know how to cook, how does it concern you? You have no right to say “and you are a woman” or “you will die single”. Remember Proverbs 17:28.

Proverbs 18:2 (AMPC) A [self-confident] fool has no delight in understanding but only in revealing his personal opinions and himself.

• Don’t tell a woman she will end up in “Shiloh”: For my non-Nigerian readers, Shiloh is a big Christian program where people go and ask God for particular blessings. Many women mostly from the age of 30 and above go there to ask for a husband. This comment is disgusting. Because a woman has some standards that you think are ridiculous by your understanding of how society works do not give you the right to tell her she will end up in Shiloh or die single. These words only come out of the men that are basic. I know Godly men are not basic, they are blessed and never have to threaten a woman with singleness. Her standards are hers alone, God will give her what she wants. It's okay that you don’t meet her standards, keep it moving. You can also try to encourage her with scriptures, say a genuine prayer for her. Wish her well. Please, don’t tell a woman she will end up alone. Being single is better than settling for less than you deserve because of societal pressure. 

Psalm 20:4 ESV May he grant you your heart's desire and fulfill all your plans!

• Don’t sexualise woman especially the girl child: When you see a little girl is shorts or underwear, it is wrong on all grounds to think of her as a sexual being. This thought has to be rebuked with full force and prayers. When you see a little girl and your instinct is to tell her to cover up, you may need deliverance. She is a child, don’t project anything on her innocence. There is nothing sexual about a child no matter what she wears or acts even if she is butt naked. Please, I am begging you, if you see yourself getting interested in what a girl child is wearing, seek help very fast. It is abnormal on every ground. Speak against anyone that tries to sexualise a girl child even if they use what other people will think as an excuse. This also goes for the male child. Let children enjoy their innocence, cleanse your mind.

Matthew 5:8 (NLT)"God blesses those whose hearts are pure, for they will see God.”  

A police officer can't wear her uniform in peace without being sexualised

• Don’t use female adjectives to describe negative attributes: “Gossips like a woman”, “drives like a woman”, “don’t be a girl” etc. are extremely sexist words. If he gossips, he gossips, why is a woman the comparison? Words like “girly” or “feminine” are often used as insults while “take it like a man” or “man up” are used for courage and tenacity. Phrases like this continue to paint women in a negative light. Be intentional about your choice of words. Sexist language can be hard to spot because of how casually it’s used. But it’s important to keep a check on what you say in case you’re encouraging sexism.

Ephesians 4:29 NIV Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen

• Don't sexually harass: Sexual harassment is any unwanted verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature that makes a person feel embarrassed, offended, intimidated or unsafe. These things seem normal in friendships, workplace and other setting but it is completely unacceptable. Sexual harassment acts include:

1. Inappropriate staring
2. telling sexual jokes
3. showing or sending unwanted sexual pictures, cartoons or images
4. demanding hugs, dates or sexual favours
5. asking questions or talking about someone's sexuality, sex life or body
6. making unnecessary physical contact
7. spreading sexual rumour e.g "that girl is loose, everyone has been with her"
8. threatening to punish someone for not accepting sexual advance as seen in the boss to employee relations
9. Stalking!

• Please don’t mansplain: To mansplain is to interrupt or speak over a woman to explain something that she already knows — indeed, something in which she may already be an expert — on the assumption that he must know more than she does. In many cases, the explanation has to do specifically with things that are unique to women — their bodies, their experiences, their lives. When men interrupt or presume to correct a woman who is speaking of her own experience or expertise, they are implying that she is ignorant, that she is incapable of having authoritative knowledge. They are saying, essentially, “Shh. I know best.” Examples of mansplaining you should avoid are:

Explaining a woman’s body to a woman: This one needs no explanation. who are you to talk about things you have no first-hand experience with to people that experience it daily?

A man mansplaining to a woman about her career. Acting like he knows best for her.

Explaining a woman’s field to her even though you are not in that field: I have seen a guy explaining space matter to a director in a NASA program simply because she is a girl and he figured she knows nothing about the issue. Don't assume.

A man mansplaining a comic series to a woman not knowing she is the author of the series.

Telling a woman to smile: You may think this is not bizarre but do you go around telling men to smile?

Assuming a woman knows nothing about “male-dominated things”: I may not know a lot about changing the oil in my car but I have female friends that can repair a generator. Don’t assume!

Telling a woman what she likes or doesn’t like because of her gender: I have heard men that say women don’t like driving. Driving is very liberating as mundane as it may sound. Don't assume!

Telling women how to or how not to react in certain situations: Remember the guy that decided it was a good idea to tweet that women should stop complaining about their period cramps on social media.

Proverbs 14:6 (AMPC) A scoffer seeks Wisdom in vain [for his very attitude blinds and deafens him to it], but knowledge is easy to him who [being teachable] understands

MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL!

• Do not sexually assault (rape) a woman: This one is supposed to be a no-brainer but it isn’t. Did you know that 35% of women worldwide have experienced either physical and/or sexual intimate partner violence or sexual violence by a non-partner (not including sexual harassment) at some point in their lives? The average woman is genuinely scared of getting raped by a stranger or their loved ones. Few facts about sexual assault: 

Sexual assault is NEVER the victim’s fault. Sexual assault is a violent attack on an individual, not a spontaneous crime of sexual passion. For a victim, it is a humiliating and degrading act. No one “asks” for or deserves this type of attack. 

Anytime someone is forced to have sex against their will, they have been sexually assaulted, regardless of whether or not they fought back or said "no". There are many reasons why a victim might not physically fight their attacker including shock, fear, threats or the size and strength of the attacker.

Sexual assault is motivated by hostility, power and control. Sexual assaults are not motivated by sexual desire. Unlike animals, humans are capable of controlling how they choose to act on or express sexual urges.

 Proverbs 3:31 NIV Do not envy the violent or choose any of their ways.

Thank you so much for reading until the very end. it shows that you are very interested in the wellbeing of women around the world. I pray that God blesses you and helps you to unlearn things that are not of him. 

Ladies, please feel free to add additional things that you think I missed in the comment session. Men, feel free to post whatever you feel like saying about this matter. I appreciate you so much for clicking this link.

There will never be a new world order until women are a part of it.-Alice Paul

With love,

Bibi.